THe NeGLeCTOR

hi ya peeps..

its 2nd January 2009 and
its the Fifth day of Muharram 1430 AH..
and what’s more..
Its Friday!
TGI Friday!
because its Futsal Day..

gotta get a hang on writing “2009″ in the year’s column from now on..

i have not moved on 1 bit. i dun wanna mature more. i dun want another goal. but i must finish my goals [yg terbengkalai]. i sit here everyday. on the blue chair. in front of my pc. typing and typing. i just really like typing and chatting. the more i type. the more i can spill out. more idea came out. more people i can see. i’m just not the talking-type.. more like a typing-type of a guy. and new years aint gonna change any facts about me.

in the shallow night.. purged down by the holy weapon. such zeal that came from a single heart. the blue hare shall return to its past. the water unicorn shall endure more. and the phoenix legion shall rest. i have come to you my friends. from the reality of humans through the imagination of the kings. not to rescue. but to be rescued upon. i have lived long in the maya and i must seek my way out. to feel, to hear, to see.. and to shout. for a heart that i lost. and founded in the future perspectives. I, Abdul Halim, am a great peasant.. a lowly person. and i shall select my kings and queens. i will drown myself in to you. an ingenious lover. a flower petal of the East. pace your run and blow the sky. may the storm fade. and may the lightning bless. it is a circle we created. a cycle we lived in. in my secretive sense. by your hope to rid off me. i will find pleasure in the experience. in the knowledge of good propaganda. a bad shoe. and a high stage. showing what i feel will never be my mistake. and i will be the White Storm. now. show yourself, that you have lived. and forgive me. for i am insensitive.

it is as i said.
by the will of the resting sun and from the language of the oaks..
by the emotions of the heated mountains and from the eye of the sky.
i bid thee..
and i bid thou..

pleasant time and pleasant day to enjoy. it is our time. and it will be our years to come. 2009 and beyond.. 1430 and eternity..

-=mr.e=-

31st December 2008.. 1014am

it’s the kafirun new year’s eve.. haha!

and i dont have anything to say much.. lets just say that i mingled around the other day trying to verify my existence which in the matter of blissful feelings, i suck!
i did not do anything..

well, except for waving my mom n dad goodbye; they’ve gone to KB, leaving us sibling to settle matters of the house on our own. which end up terribly last night. i got this stupid brother who really have no single skill in debating.. yet i can see that he is satisfied with his debate and points. when all the points shows nothing to support the title of the debate; which is titled “current affairs”… not “last week” not “last months” nor it is “last years” affairs. i’m trying to figure out, why is this natang so stupid? tapi takpe lah.. i told him that he is stupid and we stop the ‘debate’.. haha!

oh.. here’s another problem.. i havent slept yet.. i was awake all night long watching National Geographic, AFC and HBO.. something i havent done in months.. periodically, i was always sitting in front of my PC doing my thang.. yah man! so after i woke up from my evening nap yesterday.. i totally lost my night timing.. and now i’m stuck in front of my pc again.. doing some blogging. hehe!

2 hours ago.. i went out the house, fed the fishes.. and i rummage around the plants in the garden. until i stop at one point because of a cute cocoons on one of the plants.. it was empty.. but i figured it must have been emptied for some time. i tried searching for eggs.. or hatchlings.. which i imagined would look so gruesome that it’d be easy to notice.. so i scour around the leaves and guess what.. nothing!
i went on to the fishes again.. play with em a bit.. n got back to the cocoons.. saw a folded leaf.. guess again.. it wasnt folded.. it was the dang caterpillar.. ahah! good camouflage. it is then that i finally realized, there are lots of em’ bathing under the wishful sunlight.. shish! “folding camouflage bastards”!!
if it wasnt because of national geographics all these years.. i wudda kill those bugs.. ahah! thank you God for TV n National Geographic..

oh! i held a camera.. now my spider-sense is tingling.. i wanna go to Genting Highland.. or maybe Chilling.. or Zoo Negara.. or something..
it’s the new years eve.. i wanna snap lotsa thing.. heck! i wanna snap Syaima’ on action.. but hanya tinggal kenangan! ahah!

[1 hour later...]
i’ve come to update this morning blog..

i made my own fried rice recipe.. with additional mom’s chili recipe.. taste a bit like mom’s… but need to improve my salting skills..

happy day
happy year
happy next year!

-=mr.e=-

despicable..

i am without worries.. as i travel more into her world.. the more i see. the less i be. a certain paragraph of getting the learning habit skills. beyond my own eyes. included with every bit of everyone else. i finally felt it. not sharper. not dull. just a blank knife piercing through. not even a handle to pull out. no help from the others. shows that i was not even remembered in such ways. i was hoping for a shoulder. but i guess my hands are smaller from what i could have imagined. i cannot hold on to those wide shoulders. not a bit. they wont let me. and she wont let me.

today. i pledge to myself. virtue will be my pride. fortitude is my vengeance. and love i have are for none. but God’s and her’s. i pray alone. and i’ll pray to my bone. until i believe that i can sing. again.

wait.. like wut ninut said.. “its not a secret anymore when u say, its a secret”

ah.. its time to open up my mind a little bit.. i’ve read back all my blogs back from 2006.. i just thought “they were kinda awesome” hose blog that i wrote. so, i’m gonna practice back my skills to way above my own expectations. my thoughts and dreams really did differ back from when i studied back in UTP. my words were different, they seems kinda odd.. n interesting.

i got nothing to think tonite but a justly talk could do.. just same old dream i had everyday.. about “her”.. hannah just added me in FaceBook.. if i really think about it.. its because of hannah that i could meet Syaima’.. [yes..! she's the one i like]. its because of my luck that i got accepted into Shell n i was lucky Rosli n Romainor were searching for a girl in their team.. ahah! thank you hannah! for bringing cute Syaima’ with u to Cyberjaya.. ahah!

what about this odd upbringing. i totally messed up my opportunity to flirt with her [syaima].. and when i did had the chance, i totally messed up my plans on how to flirt with her.. that is just me i guess. no worries. she’s hating me right now.. [i think...  another side-story unanswered].. so i have lost all privileges,by any means of communications towards her. well.. i heard from a fren.. she said “manusia nih nak yang cantik2 dan baik2 je” ahah! true2!.. i want that.. but do tell me.. if that statement really does not affect her at all? yes! i dont have looks, i dont have it all.. not even skills.. but still dat statement of judgment shouldnt be affecting ppl who actually saying it.

now? i’m trying to get her angry or annoyed.. so that maybe she would burst her flame to all the gas i leaked purposedly.. and maybe.. get her to tell me why on earth that she stop replying me in the 1st place.. yeah! i can totally get it if she hates me.. but she need to tell me that.. i’m in a state of confusion knowing nothing, n nothing that i had done was totally wrong.

n hoping for another misrable chance to get close to her. oh! i just know that every other guy besides her are manipulating the same agenda as mine towards her. so what i did was, i tried to act as fast as i could. well, maybe a little too fast.. she doesnt know me.. i tried to be a gentleman.. [haha! to me] but yeah! i am actually a gentle person, but no one knows dat. i dont think my mom and dad knows how gentle i can be.. only certain people knows.. and those peoples are not even related to my bestest friends.. people see me and say ’such vulgar’ to my face. everytime.. yeah! i can be one. if u say i am.. its all i do. sitting under a wet bench, faking my smiles. trying to get everbody’s attention [oh! im crying right now] haha! so i show my emotions towards people who will forget my face. a forgotten blade, is like a sinking myths. no one will believe that it can be myth. myth a created so that one can forget about it.. n remembers it once every decade. back to my story.. i went in too fast.. but still i dont wanna ask her out. i know she wouldnt like dat either.. [i did not FIGURE it.. i KNOW she doesnt like it.. especially when it came from me.. a vulgar person]..

or maybe its a mistake i’ve made just when i met her.. i made too much expression towards the girls around her.. haha! its like trying to tell her, “i’m currently are not trying to engage a relationship with you” kinda expression.. ahaha! so i make it look like i like Kim.. or Izza.. but it was just to respect her status. a single woman. when the truth was that i liked her.. not Kim or Izza.. they’re totally not my type.. vahahah! [ckap cam aku nih kacak jek..]

yeah! lil’ ol’ me trying too hard to please her heart that it came wrong when i just wanted to chat with her everytime i logged onto my YM.. haha! big mistake.. thats a big no! no! if i think it through, maybe that was my biggest mistake.. apart from being ugly n vulgar.. haha! n then.. when she started ignoring me.. i start apologizing n confessing [how stupid can i be?].. now that i think about it… Wut ta Yell!!? Stoooppeeeddd! adeh!

The BBQ? ahaha! well, at first it was a plan for all of us. i thought about trying to look great in front of her [a bit.. honestly.. just a bit..!] the plan for BBQ was really for all. its an original plan for me to test out my skills in planning. it was a disaster when we reached Bagan Lalang.. huhu! the waters were so black, the tides were high and the shores were full of caterpillars.. on top of that.. Hannah panggil kawan2 yg we [aku dan fizi] x kenal.. so.. cam.. ok je la kot.. maybe leh kenal2 sket.. but its like it was their party.. not mine at all.. ahah! rosaknye ku rase.. bukan nak salahkn hannah or her frens.. but it was me all along.. salah salah! plan x betul!

pelik.. mase pegi ngn Haref, chucox, heman sume.. ok jek.. dah naseb..

n then there was that… the most stupid thing i did.. ahaha! tanak la crite.. utk org2 yg tau.. the hint.. its about my newly won camera.. nyeheheh! i hate this part of the story most.. so i dont wanna tell u anything about it.. ask kepen or fizi.. or hannah.. or charles.. or Jalal.. about it.. im not gonna go into details about this..

so now?.. like i said.. im trying to get her mad.. so maybe i could have the answer.. so that maybe i will not make the same mistakes again.. towards her [if i got another chance].. or towards others in the future.. if i really can stop thinking about her, that is.. because as of now.. this is just like the movie Big Fish.. every tale is a dream, every dream finds reality.. i just cant stop thinking about her.. cih! some mind i have.. pathetic? yeah! i know i am.. its not about desperation of wanting her.. its about getting my hand on the table first..[err.. sounds like desperate]. waaa.. of course la.. why would i wanna see her get snatched away by other guys.. and i have been trying hard to apologize to her.. every time i do apologize.. i did it with my gentle heart.. but it seems that she cant see it.

people seek a meaning everyday, but me.. i devour every meaning of life into my sacred memento. a memory i tried to hold onto as long as the wind can glide through. its not the result that i seek. its the process and the meaning of the results. i wanna taste a bit of life that i was cursed not to get to.. hmm.. this boring blog is getting boring by the day.. my writings arent very interesting anymore.. its all about her.. please please! one way or the other.. i must search for a way to get to my old self..

i wonder what’ll happen if she read this? would she feel disgusted? pity on me? well.. i do hope she fell in love with me.. and i hope it wasnt because of this blog.. and certainly hope because she saw something in me.. which in this case.. if she dont even wanna chat with me.. what would make her look at me.. or even look into me?.. haha! its a dream i dream.. nothing more i guess…

tell me.. do i deserve another chance? or would it be just right to be her friend? or is this another mistake to post this blog?

“]

KL Pac, Sentul [its either Jalal or Charles yg amik gamba nih

one two four eigth eleven
i felt it for a second
pass through me
a difficult past
from the blood of the running crow
too low for me to follow

double my significance
and saturate me into thy heart
i care not for my love anymore
and i bow much for her pride
i am the conjurer who fails
but double me conjurer
and triple them the sweet pea

here i sat
higher than myself
a place from the mountains
lower than the sky
higher from the raging gale
hear me nothing
and fear me not
for i am the conjurer who failed

by the will from which i have forsaken
the will of the sun
by the language that i sunk
the language of the oaks
i have bid thee
a bid of happiness
a bid of sweetness

help me to answer
show me an altar
from when i say
that i have loved you
from the deepest core
towards the never ending stars
slay me Demon
and i will hold my sword against you
for a will that i have forsakened

cry for me ocean
carry my shoulder mighty thunder
clap for me my tears
and laugh with me o weakened heart
the stars will awaken
for an island
drag my soul forward
towards the laughing wind
Shh..

there’s a dragon that sleeps
beyond the cracks
of the flying hope
a sparrow of glory
i wish thee a place
that anywhere it can imagine
a land of good
the night of darkness
where she will sleep
soundly
and one day
it will be heard
even for the Demon

I think of the North
and she thinks to the East
and i think more of the North
for what it was worth
let me kneel
before the almighty God
just below the cold sun
i have been left behind
with my undying heart

I have wished for it
from the will of the Burning Sun
from the chatters of the Laughing Oaks
I bid thee
a hope for happiness
a degree of wealth
a luck beyond imagination
and a love you had hoped
for your life
for your good
and for the hated me

I am the conjurer who fails..
hail for the Almighty
and sail for eternity

-=mr.e=-

wow..

dat was unexpected.. its weird.. tho a little bit dissapointed that it wasnt wrote exactly for me.. i really thought its a no go at all…

but it made me a liiittle bit energetic tho..

im doing a weird dance right now.. ahah! Xþ

-=mr.e=-

ah.. she seem so happy the way it is right now.. i cannot take that away from her.. she has this perfect life we call it “friendship”. its a life worth living. and if its in the manga world, its a life worth protecting and to die for. “nakama” is the word. an experience one could never resist, even if its bitter. it is when we shape our own history, our true emotions, our true smile and our future.

every moment i picture her in my mind.. i told myself to “stop what ever i’m doing right now”.. but that’s the problem in the rules of “Niat”. nawaitu made me go on. but i dont have what it takes to make her happy, that is. so, what is this feeling that tells me to not give up? argh! maybe i read too much manga.

hmm..

-= unlucky with my nose =-

-= unlucky with my teeth =-

-= i’ve graduated with the lowest marks =-

-= unlucky with my unrequited love =-

-= unlucky with my job =-

-= thus, unlucky with money =-

-= unlucky with the Job Camp sponsored by MDeC =-

-= unlucky with my bed =-

-= unlucky with my jeans and pants =-

-= unlucky with my goals [so far] =-

u see, these series of intolarable luck just keeps on piling up.. but its just so i’d know.. i cant have everything.. and i’d say that it can be repaired.. i can still grasp it in my hand with the right attitude, commitment and the right virtue.. i’m gonna change these unlucky events. and u will see me achieve it.. one by one.. gotta make great effort for the 4th.. hehe!

oh.. i know there are alot of unlucky people out there who suffers more than i do.. dont go whining around when u read mine..

this is my blog.. i get to tell my stories.. not theirs..

its a power of pure dignity
i’d say
we seek a realm of good
and never the bad
but theres a token
to deliver from the owl
it is what the sky feasted on
a sacred supper

on each soul
lies a pride
on each flesh
lies a price

the clock ticks
and the gale flourished
until one day
we devour every inch
of our own decision

we seek an understanding
but never to be found
we ran away from our lies
and we step on the truth
so that the stars will bow
and the ground will falter
but the moon saw everything
and while the sun is sleeping
rise upon them a creature
an intelligent
known to be the most sacred

they stopped the gale
they stopped the waves
they crushed the walls
and they awaken the Sun

fear was known only once
and never again
tasteless of their own deeds

so we keep on seeking
a realm of good
a sanctuary of the forbidden
that lives only in an image
that even reality cannot breed
a meaning that has no significance
a foreign truth

bake me a pumpkin
and assemble your indignified heart
be seated
and laugh your lungs out
for the Man we knew
that lived
even before our feet kicks him
even before our ancestors
scratched on him
have his life torn
everyday
is wishing for an end

freeze
and breathe
young Human
for he is walking
with his staff everyday

the realm of evil
the home of the bad
the future of deeds
we filter the idea
of a great island
and until then
the frogs and the birds will sing
I will bathe in the Storm
and shower from the fallen rain

-=mr.e=-